BENEVOLENT BARON

Not that I don’t like the song..cuz I love it! But I’m sorry, the Telephone video is just plain whack:

I was out of town, so I missed the early review, but let’s just start big picture and narrow in.

First, if you are going to make an epic 10-minute video, it better be mind-blowing. One component you might want to consider is novelty. Coming from someone as starkly original as Lady Gaga, this video is glaringly cliche.   Girl walks into an all-female prison to a chorus of heckling inmates.  She gets womanhandled by some butch guards.  Requisite makeout and girlfight scenes.  Talk about Lezploitation!  And the rest is just overt Tarantino ripoff, down to the P-Wagon, only to be stifled by painful dialogue and even more painful delivery.  Basically, this thing could’ve been written by a child that had once seen Kill Bill and any number of prison scenes.

In addition to creativity, Gaga’s also lacking a lot of clothes in this video. I understand the urge to flaunt your shit since shrinking down from the girl once known as Stefani Germanotta, but this is ridiculous. Every video since Just Dance has just been a progressive de-clothing of Gaga. I wouldn’t be surprised if the next video that comes out is indeed a snuff film.

And speaking of overexposure, the penis thing is just unnecessary. Ok, I get that your feelings were hurt by immature-assholes-hiding-behind-their-screen-names claiming you have a male appendage, but that doesn’t mean you have to go on all-out penis damage control.  Get over it.  I’m sure your millions of fans have.

Then there is the odd abundance of product placement: Virgin Mobile, Wonderbread, Miracle Whip, Polaroid, Diet Coke.  The PlentyofFish.com nod is just random.  I guess Virgin Mobile is sponsoring her tour, and the song is about a telephone, but you wouldn’t even know that watching the video.  I guess that’s why they had to zoom in on the thing like five times.

And is it just me, or do Beyonce and Gaga always look funny dancing next to each other?  They just don’t fit well together, and the dance seems definitely choreographed for the less talented dancer of the two; I think you know who that is.

It’s not all bad.  The kitchen dance scene is cool and the colors are pretty awesome.  The cigarette glasses are, er…intriguing, but in this day and age, do you really want your strongest image in a video to be cigarettes?

I’m not trying to hate, you’ve just made a “very, very, bad, bad” video Gaga.  You’re better than that.

This Key of Awesome parody pretty much nails it, especially the idea that Beyonce was coerced.  What do you think?